You Bracket Like a GIRL!

Here it is, you freak. You've been waiting for it all year. People keep going on and on about their stupid "real" sports and, in the back of your head, you froth in anger. Where's the purity, you say. Multi-million dollar contracts? Pffft, you say. That's not sports.

But then, one glorious day in the middle of March, you stop X-ing out the dates on your Babes of Star Trek calender, and you can barely contain yourself, you're so happy.

Selection Sunday, people. Finally, FINALLY, you can lord your mad college hoops knowledge over those lesser fans of professional football and baseball. Sure, that entire season of watching St. John's probably didn't do you any good, but you're in the know.

So you swagger into your office the next day and smirk smugly when someone hands you a bracket. You got this, you say to the cute but clueless girl in accounting. She giggles (cutely), and picks up a bracket, too.

'What the hey,' she says, 'I'm not really into all that college stuff, but it looks like fun.' You resist the urge to pat her head but knock out some finger guns before making it back to your cubicle.

You're totally gonna use the pool money to take her to Applebee's.

But then it happens. UNC starts to falter and...what the HELL is the five seed doing and...no, no, no, this can't happening. You regroup and a few of your teams advance. You carry a miniature laminated version of your bracket with you everywhere you go and try to figure out if you still have a shot...why is VILLANOVA STILL IN THIS?

Then one day it's over, so over. You haven't felt this bad since Brett Favre retired (why, why did I have to remind you of that?). You go back to the office the next day, so much less of a man, and you hear it:

"Omigoodness! I WON! Whoo! That's soooooooooooooooooooo cool! Thanks for telling me, Pat."

It's possible that you've never hated anyone more than you hate Mandy from Accounting right now. Even Mr. Brooks, the sixth-grade teacher who was always rubbing your shoulders, gets more charity from you than Mandy. At least he knew what a field goal was.

Thing is, it's a truth universally acknowledged that any woman in possession of absolutely no college hoops knowledge is 23.7 percent more likely to snuff you come bracket time. This percentage somehow skyrockets if you're one of those guys whose entire reason for living rests on the broad shoulders of entitled 21-year-olds with third grade reading levels.

But have no fear. There is a resource.

It just so happens that I'm a girl.

It also just so happens that I have no working knowledge of college hoops. Hell, I just spent the entire weekend in the middle of nowhere at a bootleg basketball championship that shalt not be named for a publication that shalt not be named. Non-professional basketball can go die a slow, painful death, for all I care.

So, without further ado:

Top Tips for Making Your Picks, Chick Edition.

• Your amazing basketball knowledge? Toss it out. Unless you've watched every team multiple times and retain copious knowledge of each key player, this is useless. That time you spent watching college basketball in preparation? Hours that you will never, ever get back. Basically, you sat around as your life continued its inevitable death march. Congratulations.

• About a fourth of your picks should be lower-seeded underdogs. Chicks love that stuff almost as much as they love romantic comedies and imported chocolate.

• No, you idiot, that doesn't mean you should pick UTA over Memphis. Chicks love fake, secretly talented, underdogs. Like the "sweet dork" who's actually just a hot guy in glasses and a mussed button-down shirt. It makes them feel less shallow. They hate actual losers. Contemplate this.

• Team names are very important. Since most girls haven't actually watched any of these guys play, they can't choose based on team colors. You want romantic sounding names, like the aforementioned Villanova, and Marquette and Xavier. Yes, 'Nova is risky, but it's got the double-whammy: underdog and cool-sounding name. The bracket-ologist in you says they have Cinderella history and they're a 12 playing a 5. This internal voice knows nothing. If they win, it'll be because if their name. Like Gonzaga.

• USC! WHOOOOO! Caaaaaali! Yes, geography matters. Boston and Cali teams are most likely to get picked, because it's nicer there.

• Finally, when a pick isn't immediately apparent, us girls gravitate towards stable-sounding schools. The Volvo teams, if you will. Notre Dame, Indiana and Tennessee all sound like schools you could bring home to mom and dad.

• For everything else: Close your eyes and let your finger fall where it may. It's March Madness, baby, live a little.

And DUDE, buck up. Maybe Mandy will take you to Applebee's.