Where's my red carpet?

After a year+ hiatus, your Imaginary Friend makes his return. I’m sure all zero of our readers missed me. I’m gonna jump on a couple topics and just shoot from the fingertip. And your boy done brung some bile.

NBA Draft Hate
I now hate the Golden State Warriors. I hope a black cloud of misfortune – one blacker and more misfortuner (it's a word now) than the one they’ve already got – hovers over that franchise for many years, and another, this one an aerosol-caused smog, pollutes their air. I hope a spate of injuries rapes that team and murders its season. Fuck it, I hope the Cleveland Browns take in one of their games during a west coast trip and passes on that staph infection.

If you haven't already guessed, I’m a Knicks fan. And for the first time in an Alabama minute, they had the chance to get a player who fit their system, wanted to come here and was within reach. Stephen Curry was probably already shopping for lofts and cataloguing Manhattan bimbos and fans were envisioning threes dropping off drive-and-kick plays in transition. Add to it, LeBron James is a big fan of Curry’s, so that might-could’ve helped in the 2010 courtship. Alas, the cock dream-blockin’ Warriors had to jump in at No. 7, a spot ahead of the Knicks, and poke a needle in that thought bubble. It's not enough that my team sucks, but another sucky team had to come swipe some optimism.

The Knicks, as you know, switched to Plan B and drafted Jordan Hill, whose diction I'll probably be making fun of in the coming months. Sure, he’s an athletic 6’10” forward who can run the floor, rebound and block some shots. He's raw offensively, but he's got the talent to improve and should add some muscle to that lean 230-pound frame in the next couple years. Kinda reminds me of the scouting reports and expert takes on Jared Jeffries when he came out in 2002. Yeah. I can’t stand Jared Jeffries.

To make things worse, Curry isn't even a great fit for the Warriors, who already have a point guard-sized hybrid two guard in Monta Ellis. He’s a 6’3”, shoot-first combo guard. Curry is a 6’3”, shoot-first combo guard. He’s less athletic than Ellis, but has a better perimeter game. In that sense, they kind of compliment each other. And in another sense (common sense?), they have the same weaknesses and neither provides what that team needs; stuff like defense, a post option, inside presence and rebounding. If all goes as they’d hope and Curry – whom the Warriors said they won’t trade – earns his way into the starting lineup, they’ll have a midget backcourt. That’s the same problem they had with the Ellis-Baron Davis lineup, and with fewer assists. I know it wasn't, but the way it'll turn out, it'll be as if Golden State made the move just to teabag the Knicks.

I can’t wait to see them fail this year. And I don’t want no regular ol’ standard-issue failure. We think big 'round here. Nothing but EPIC FAIL will suffice. I wanna see the all-point guard roster plan backfire on the Timberwolves, too. But that's just for giggles. I'm wishing bad juju on Golden State out of spite. Hateful spite. I hope Stephen Jackson pistol whips one of Don Nelson's breasts.

Real quick: The Timberwolves are retarded… I hope Ricky Rubio goes back to Spain… Ricky Rubio will suck in the NBA… Ricky Rubio wears satin panties.

Did you hear Michael Jackson died?
I’ll save the jokes (but trust me, I’ve got a bunch) and just say that this was to be expected. His life was more tragic than his death and he’s probably better off. If you’ve got the gobsmacked, scrunched-face, Renee Zelweger look right now because you're appalled at what you just read, I hope a big Neanderthal hand materializes out of thin air in front of your monitor and slaps you, palm side. Shaddap! If you’re all shook up over Jacko’s passing, you’re either one of those people who gets too caught up in celebrity deaths ("They matter so much more than regular people!") or you’re in love with the name Michael Jackson and have chosen to cling to the pre-WTF! memories of him.

Real talk: As bizarre and screwed up as his life was, you could say a half century was the over. I called it in 2004, though I was off by a year. I’d said then that he probably wouldn't make 50. Some people just aren’t meant to be on this earth too long. And in Michael’s case, his mind kinda left this world a while ago. My guess/prediction then was that he’d commit suicide via pill overdose or accidentally overdose or die during a cosmetic operation. Looks like it might’ve been an accidental overdose.

According to the New York Post (always a reliable source), which cited a source (one I’m sure is as reliable as them), Jackson was on a bunch of pills, including anti-depressants, pain killers and muscle relaxants. Drugs we've become familiar with through Eminem lyrics! Consuming all those tablets, in addition to whatever other chemicals were already in his body (the ones that turned him from a black man to a Jheri-curled Latino to a white woman to a porcelain creature with a detachable nose) had to have taken a toll. You can't do all that and live to 85, climbing trees with monkeys and sleeping with children.

I give the man his props for all the success he had and the mark he made on the music industry – hell, he’s the reason Rockwell is getting scrilla off those Geico commercials; you know damn well you can’t quote one line from that song except the Jacko-sung chorus. But I’m imploring our readers (all none of you) to stop acting shocked about his death (and, subsequently, LaToya’s). You should’ve seen it coming.

Guess what? Mike Tyson ain’t got but five years left, either.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Sucked. The first one sucked and when I heard a sequel was in production, I knew it would suck, too. Watched it out of curiosity (and I didn’t pay for it because I'm a hooligan), just to see how much it would suck. It actually sucked more than I figured it would. I haven't gone into a movie expecting it to suck as mightily and had it exceed my expectations for suckitude that much since I saw Twilight. [Tangent: If you liked Twilight and you're somehow reading this blog, leave. We're not for you and we don't want your kind around.] But Transformers has been huge at the box office and it’ll probably be the summer’s biggest hit. Know why? Because people suck.

The chorus – well, the mondegreen version – of a gospel hymn comes to mind: “Bringing in the sheep, bringing in the sheep…”

I can’t imagine Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg went through the production process without ever thinking, “Wow, this flick is stupid.” But it’s one of those movies that was created to appeal to a wide audience and, really, you can’t blame them for that. It’s gonna rake in hundreds of millions, so the purpose was served.

I blame you, the watchers, on this one. Ye wide audience. It’s chock full of all the hackneyed crap ya’ll love. Robots: Oh, America loves robots. If a talking animal or a robot ran for president, you would vote for it. Robots fighting: Oh, that’s the spot. It worked well for the Terminator and Power Rangers franchises. Clichéd love story backdropping mass chaos and ignored tragedy: Woooo! Simply irresistible. Aliens attempting to destroy our planet: "And I only have to pay $10 to see it?" Lots of stuff getting blown up: A lot of film studios and actors have made a lot of money milking that teet. And throw in popular, fresh-faced stars deemed “hawt!” by the public (people like ejaculating to celebrities) in Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf and we’ve got the clincher. The fishing hook is thrown and so the masses are baited.

It’s a tried and true formula. Never mind that the plot is silly, the acting is bad, the special effects are overdone (and not even that good) and the storyline is less than predictable. Those elements always bring ‘em in.

Here’s a spoiler: The good guys win this time.

Did you watch it? You liked it, right? DreamWorks knew you would. Because you suck!

And when I got home after watching 150-minute reel of ass, I saw this parked on my block.

Not making this up. It was parked right next to a "no parking" sign, too.